Helping Hands

Hey guys!

I want to get into something that is a lot more personal than I am used to. This post has a lot of unpleasant things, and I just want to let you know that this may be a trigger warning for some people.

One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to start a Passion Project to get myself back into my artwork. I have been suffering a lot from my major depression and anxiety in 2018, and this project is completely focused on that. I want people to take my past experiences and know they are not alone in this battle and getting help IS OKAY. No one is perfect. No one’s life is perfect.

I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety in 2013. I lost 9 people in my life that year (one who had committed suicide), got out of a nasty relationship, and finally spoke up about my rapist and abuser. I started self-mutilation and had a plan to kill myself. (Which suicidal thoughts was a side effect my doctor neglected to tell me of the depression medication they prescribed me at the time.) Now I’m not writing this as an excuse to receive pity, I am simply giving a backstory so that you know why this project is so important to me. I felt so alone in 2013. Nothing helped. I lost interest in all that I did, was irritable all the time, and wanted to only sleep the days away. I started to neglect my coursework, and almost lost my scholarship.

In 2014 I had my first PNES (Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizure), which then lead to my diagnosis of conversion disorder and PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I started to have seizures multiple times a day, and my triggers for my PTSD were too much for me to function. It got to a point where I had to take a medical leave of absence from college, which broke my spirit. (I still haven’t been able to go back to school, but I have been able to work some great full time jobs with the best coworkers anyone could ask for.) I have had to work a lot to control this, and still struggle from time to time. I’ll be honest, I look back at how I was and where I am now and realize, I am a strong person. I’ve been able to hold full time jobs, got engaged to the love of my life, and have tried to be a spokesperson for mental illness when people need it.

I started feeling overwhelmingly depressed again in 2018. Which didn’t make sense. I have had SO MANY more ups than downs, but I couldn’t shake the sadness and anxiety attacks. Luckily, since I have had those strange feelings before I was able to recognize it and speak up. It wasn’t me, it was my medication. I’ve gone through so many changes with my medication, just in 2018 alone, that I can hardly keep track.

Helping Hands is exactly what it sounds like. Hands drawn with encouraging sayings or flowers. It’s simple, but telling someone that “it’s going to be okay” is simple, but it also means so much. Be a helping hand to someone. If you notice something might be wrong, ask them to speak up about it. Don’t want to get involved? My response: It’s better to be involved than see your friend or family member struggle with their inner demons. You might just be their saving grace. A simple and persistent “are you okay” might just save a life. Don’t leave people in the dark, reach out your hand and pull them out.  

If you struggle with mental illness, please seek help. Whether you pray to God, see a psychiatrist, therapist, use oils, do all of the things you think will help. Try them all. Don’t give up. I personally see a psychiatrist (which I was super embarrassed to admit but it needs to be said), use essential oils, pray, and use art as one of my many outlets. Find a support group. I have two very best friends, a wonderful fiance, and an amazing mother, that I don’t know where I would be without them. Sometimes you may even find that your friends might be struggling as well. Hold each other accountable, and look out for one another. Speak up to someone. Use the therapist chat or suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). Your life is so important.

If someone comes to you, and are concerned for you. Please don’t get offended. They are just trying to help. If someone had not seen my social media posts (someone I hardly talk to)  in 2013, and reached out to me, I wouldn’t have realized how my actions were affecting others. People care about you. Even people you don’t even think could possibly care. They care.

Overall, what I want you to get from this is that if you are struggling, you are not alone. Don’t feel like others don’t care about you. You can do this. It’s okay to not be okay.

Love,

Cammie